Sitting across from people during counseling sessions, I have had the sacred opportunity to listen and give dignity to several stories that are sometimes heavy, and filled with shame. With others, I’ve had the joy of celebrating victories and growth as clients move into new chapters of their lives. Part of what I have learned from these stories is that although each is told by a unique author with a unique plot, the themes of the chapters are similar to stories from other people.

Of the men I have done counseling with, I have seen several guys that struggle with sexual addictions, gender identity issues, and relationship problems in general. Part of becoming a counselor is developing a sense of categories for the struggles that exist in the stories that clients tell. One night I had three sessions in the clinic where I saw men with three very different stories, but heard the same thread throughout each of hours that I spent counseling. Being able to recognize this thread and the categories is crucial to the counseling process, so that when I hear a client’s story, I have the opportunity of speaking to the reality of that thread. One of the categories that I have seen frequently in my clients, and in myself, has been the fear of failure that drives so many of the decisions that we make.

By fear of failure, I simply mean that we are afraid and terrified of taking risks that may result in failure. To briefly elaborate, this fear of failure can easily be seen in the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. In the parable, three servants are entrusted with their master’s property as he goes away on a journey. While two of the servants take the money and invest it, one of the servants is afraid of taking the risk and instead hides it in the ground. When the master returns, he is deeply encouraged by the first two who have invested the money and says to each, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.” But to the servant who buries the talent in the ground [out of fear of losing the money and failing], the master says “You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scatter no seed?” Despite not losing the talent, it is clear throughout the passage that it wasn’t necessarily the return on the servant’s investment that the master was worried about. He seemed way more concerned that the servants take a risk and trust that he would not forsake his promise.

In the counseling clinic, I currently see a man who is diagnosed with Schizophrenia. One of the focal problems common to Schizophrenics is the absence of relationships. Last week during our session, I asked my client what kept him from pursuing relationships, or even just talking with someone at work to develop a friendship. He responded that he didn’t feel smart enough to carry a conversation with someone, and might be rejected if he tried and failed. After counseling him for over a year, it seems that a lot of his fear of making conversation with people is rooted in the possibility of being hurt or end up alone. Ironically, because of his fear of taking risks of being rejected in relationships, he is alone.

A lot of the reason we do not take risks in relationships revolves around these same fears: being rejected or alone. The harsh reality is that we live in a world where there is no such thing as a relationship without hurt. As much as I love my wife, I have said things to her, or acted in ways that have hurt her and made her feel rejected or alone. We live in a world where we hurt others, and are constantly being hurt by others. Ironically, God decided to still use relationships and community as our primary source of growth, healing, and joy. Relationships, especially real ones that are full of joy, require a risk…as risk to be vulnerable of rejection.

Advertisement